


Carried Sounds Like Crashes

by figurative_falsehood



Category: Sanders Sides, Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Drunk Driver, M/M, car crash, major deaths, past lamp - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-12-26 09:48:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18280679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/figurative_falsehood/pseuds/figurative_falsehood
Summary: It was so cold. The kind of cold that pierced through his skin and left his veins iced over. It was cold, and his fingers shook, and his teeth chattered. His skin was probably starting to turn red. But red was always his color anyway. He ignored it and pulled his knees up to his chest. It was better than being at home. It was better.





	Carried Sounds Like Crashes

It was so cold. The kind of cold that pierced through his skin and left his veins iced over. It was cold, and his fingers shook, and his teeth chattered. His skin was probably starting to turn red. But red was always his color anyway. He ignored it and pulled his knees up to his chest. It was better than being at home. It was better. **  
**

It had been such a long day. such a long year. It was just too much and he needed to leave. He didn’t miss the comfort of his bed. Or the warmth it held. He didn’t want it. This was better. This was so much better.

He didn’t bring his phone. Or a jacket. Or money. There was nowhere he could go. There was nowhere else he really wanted to go anyways. This was probably his favorite place in the world even when the wind whipped at him making his hair fly out of its usual perfect shape. He didn’t bother trying to fix it. Instead, he focused on the sounds.

The wind carried so many sounds.

Te loudest was the squeaking of the swing set to his left. And it sounded like childhood. Like all the days he spent here with his friends. With Virgil and Logan and Patton, when they dared him to swing higher and higher. Roman smiled at the memory. It was only a memory. He would never get those days back. He could never have any of it back.

The wind carried so many sounds. He could hear water splashing against rocks in the duck pond. He could hear leaves being blown across the parking lot. And he tried to let it relax him. Tried to take his mind off of everything that was going wrong. All the bullshit that he couldn’t fix because he could never fix any of it. Roman forced himself to breathe. He didn’t get to break down. He didnt get to.

He looked up. If he tilted his head just right he could see the stars. He always wanted to be a star. To be famous. To get out of this town. To leave all of the small minded people behind. He would never do that. He couldn’t. Even if he was good enough, that option was taken away from him.

That option was taken away from him the same day everything else was taken away from him.

The wind carried so many sounds.

Like tires screeching.

And roman could hear it all again.

Tired screeching.

Someone was screaming

Metal was bending.

His life was over.

Roman forced his eyes open. He was here. He was here. He had to be here. He felt the cold metal of the playground under his palms and the bars that dug into his back where he’d been leaning for so long. He felt cold.

It was so cold

He blinked a few times. Looking up at the stars and it was like Logan was staring back at him and he couldn’t look anymore. But when he looked away, his gaze focused on the monkey bars. Where Virgil used to sit and they could never figure out how. And then roman couldn’t see anything. He couldn’t see anything.

The wind carried so many sounds.

Roman buried his face in his arms and sobbed.

The wind carried so many sounds.

Roman tried to stay silent. But there was no one there. Because of him, there was no one there.

The wind carried so many sounds. Like footsteps. But all roman could hear was his heart beating loudly in his ears.

He destroyed everything. In one night. In less than an hour he went from the happiest man in the world to.. To this..” roman sobbed harder.

It had been a year now.

They had just graduated high school.

They were moving together to go to college.

They were together.

And now they weren’t.

And they can never be again.

And it was all his fault.

The wind carried so many sounds.

“Ro?” the whisper cut through them all. He knew the voice. And he tried to stop his tears as he looked up.

Patton was standing there. On the top of the ladder. Looking at him. And Romans heart sunk because he wasn’t ready for this. He couldn’t do this. Patton had left. He had left. He wasn’t here. He had gone to college. He had moved on. He couldn’t be here. A sob escaped roman and he was shaking with the effort of fighting it.

“Roman..” Patton said again. Climbing the rest of the way up to kneel beside roman. And roman just couldn’t handle this. He flinched away trying to scramble backward.

“You can’t be here…” roman managed to choke out. Trying to convince himself this wasn’t real. Maybe he was going into shock. Maybe he was seeing things. When was the last time he slept?

“I. I am here Ro. I..” roman looked up in time to see Patton’s face crumble. “I missed you ro.,” he whispered but he didn’t move forward. And roman stopped moving backward and they both sat there. Staring at each other through tears and they could have sat there for hours and roman wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference.

“You came back..” Roman said when he ran out of tears. His voice was ragged and broke on the word back.

“I came back..” Patton whispered. “I shouldn’t have left i just” Patton looked down and roman fought the urge to go to him. “It hurt too much..” Roman thought he heard Patton said and that made sense. That was the reason roman stayed because of how much it fucking hurt.

“Patton. I..” but what could he say? Did sorry even start to cover it? Sorry, couldn’t bring them back. Sorry, couldn’t turn back the clock. Sorry, couldn’t. Sorry, couldn’t put them back together.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Patton said fiercely, suddenly looking up and locking eyes with roman. And roman wanted to flinch away but he couldn’t. All he could do was stare at Patton. “It was absolutely not your fault. And I should have made you seen that sooner.” Patton was talking louder. Looking directly at roman. “The other driver was Drunk roman. You had no control over that.” Roman looked away and shook his head.

“Why did you come back..” he asked breathlessly. And Patton didn’t say anything. For such a long time Patton didn’t say anything. And roman couldn’t bring himself to look up. He couldn’t look at Patton. He didn’t get to after everything he’d-

“Because I love you.” the wind stopped blowing. “Because I never stopped loving you.” roman shook his head again. He didn’t get this. He didn’t get to have this. He shook his head. And pulled back farther and his own skin felt like ice and he was cold.

The kind of cold that pierced through his skin and wrapped around his heart.

“I love you roman. And I know you still love me.” Patton’s voice was shaking and Romans head was shaking and his chest was heaving. “Roman i..”

“No,” he said much louder than hed meant to. “No you don’t get to do that.” he was pushing himself up to his feet and stumbling away. He just needed to get away.

“Ro?” but he couldn’t look at Patton he couldn’t look at Patton he couldnt look at patton. He made it to the ground. His legs shook but he pushed forward and away and he didn’t look at the monkey bars and he didn’t look at the sky and he didn’t look at the tree they used to climb and he didn’t look at the picnic table and he didn’t look. “Roman wait” Patton called behind him. And roman couldn’t wait. And he couldn’t turn around and he couldn’t look at Patton. Until Patton grabbed his arm. And the spot Patton touched immidetly felt warm and it was the first time he felt any warmth in twelve months but still he yanked his arm away and spun around.

“You can’t love me.” roman shouted “you can’t love me,” he said again quieter. “Because I don’t get to have that..” and Patton was looking right at him. And Patton was there. And Patton was there.

“Do you think this is what they would have wanted?” Patton asked just as loud as Romans yell. “Do you think Logan and Virgil wanted this?” roman flinched taking a step backward. “They didn’t. They didn’t want this for you. They didn’t want this for us.” Patton was taking steps toward him. Roman was taking steps back. “They loved you. They loved you just as much as I do. They wouldn’t want you to blame yourself. They wouldn’t want you to refuse love. They would have wanted us to be happy.” Patton’s voice broke pulling at Romans attention. “Roman you didn’t kill them..” and Patton was crying again. And roman was crying again and it was so cold. And he’s been so cold for so long.

And Patton was there. And Patton was there. And Patton was walking towards him and he wasn’t backing away.

And Patton wrapped his arms around Romans shoulders. And roman collapsed into him. “They loved you.” Patton whispered “I love you”

“I miss them so much. I missed you so much..” roman cried. And he cried. And he couldn’t do anything other than stand there wrapped in pattons arms and cry.

It was cold. But Patton was warm. And Patton was there.

 

 


End file.
